Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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