he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
