So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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