Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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