The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
