she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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