I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
