I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
