I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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