Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
