Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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