You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
