just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
