I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
