You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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