I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
