I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
