Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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