Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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