I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
