Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
