so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
