my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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