If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
