When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
