I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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