You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Who died my cat blue again?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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