I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
