I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
