I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
