I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
