I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
