3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
