I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
