i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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