even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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