after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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