Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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