did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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