i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
