I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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