i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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