So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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