You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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