Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
