this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
