I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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