Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
