When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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