i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
