Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
